Things I Don't Know

There's a lot of things I don't know.

I don't know the first thing about rugby, or scrapbooking, or how to speak french, or how to make french bread. And because there are so many other things I don't know, and I'm hesitant to even write this because it puts me at risk of revealing all these things and sounding dumb. That being said, I humbly continue. There's an old saying that the older you get, the more you realize how much know you don't know.

Have you ever known someone who truly loves what they do? My brother-in-law was a finance major in college. He's the right combination of determination and logic. He now works for a company doing something with inventory and planning and money. He could go on and on about economics and statistics, and he starts talking with his hands and his knee starts bouncing, and his red hair seems redder (ok, not really, but you get the idea.) He just loves that stuff.

My sister works in a hospital as a physician's assistant. To relax, she turns on episodes of House and tries to diagnose the patients before the doctors on the show do.

Then there's Jess, she was a marketing major. Jess silenced my assumptions of what a person into marketing should be like. She has a quiet disposition, is a very good listener, and a bit of southern charm which is rare for these parts. She's generous and caring with a talent for asking the right questions. But get her talking about marketing surveys, supply and demand, advertising--anything marketing, and her eyes light up. Her southern accent gets stronger too, and that's when I know she's really excited.

Some people just know what they want and it oozes from them. I admire those kinds of people.

My friend Fine, a Tongan that I met while in Uganda, told me to read Psalm 37. When I returned to the United States, I heard a speaker talking about God giving us the desires of our hearts. Then my friend Kristin, mentioned something about the desires of our hearts and how God wants to give them to us. It seemed everywhere I went, people knew the desires of their hearts, was I the only one who didn't? I knew, at the core of me that I wanted God. I wanted to be where he wanted me, but doesn't that have to get specific at some point?

I know what I get excited about. I get excited about music. I could talk on and on about music, what I like, what I don't, a great lead guitar line, lyrics, the strings that make the song, anything. I'm no great musician myself, but I still love music. In C.S. Lewis's series, the Chronicles of Narnia, there's a part in the Magician's Nephew where Aslan is creating Narnia. The thing I love is that he uses song.

The Bible talks about praising God with the harp and tambourine. I love this imagery, because the harp is a very complicated instrument and takes years to master, while the tambourine is one of the simplest, and anyone can play it. But when it comes down to it, all of them matters to God. Whether you fall into the "harp" category, or the "tambourine" category, God wants our songs.

I also get excited about photography. Not all photography, I'll be honest. I love portraiture. Not necessarily the studio kind, but portraits of people naturally, honestly, with no act to hide behind. I could also look at documentary photography all day. Photography has a way of communicating something that words, or even film cannot. It freezes a moment in time and invites a viewer to stare as long as they want. Feeling each detail and color and emotion.

I'm also a dreamer, I love to daydream about where I'll be and what I'll be doing. When I was younger, I used to think up all the places I'd travel to, the apartment that I would get overlooking a city street. I was going to have a dog named Boy and we'd go running everyday before I went to work. At night I'd come home and spend the evening painting. Or I'd think about traveling to a distant country, meeting the people there and listening to their stories and learning about their lives. I could go on and on, but I'll stop for now.

But the desire of my heart? I want to know God, I want to be where He wants me. I want others to know God and feel the immeasurable love that he has for them.

What does that look like specifically? I don't really know. Maybe for today it just means writing this out. And then loving the people right next to me, the ones God put around for this season.

I'm learning that I need to live where I am, and not always be dreaming of the next thing, because I'll miss out on the right now.

desires of my heart

The Plaid Shirt Epidemic

In ten days I will no longer be part of my university. I will transition as gracefully as a five legged giraffe learning to walk, from a student into an alum. In some ways that is incredible and freeing, in others, terrifying. A few of my friends who have "gone on ahead of me" have shared their wisdom in this area-mainly nostalgic words telling me to soak it up while it lasts because the real world is not that great. But apart from those few friends and a 30 minute seminar from my college on transitions in life, that's about all I've heard on this topic. It amazes me how many books and speakers talk about being in college, choosing a major, getting involved, and then about finding the right career. But somewhere in the middle the bottom seems to have dropped out of this inbetween phase. Maybe i'm the only one who finds graduation a weird time, but i suspect i'm not.

I'm graduating at the best time: in the middle of winter, a semester early, and in this lovely economy. Fantastic right? I don't mean to be a pessimist, but as i look out on this foggy, dreary day with the reality that in ten days I will be packing up my life into my car, again, this time with a boatload of loans and a bachelor's degree in art, I can't help but wonder if the best days truly are behind me? I feel a bit deceived and disillusioned. Growing up, I was told, like so many of us, that we can do whatever we want, be whoever we want, dream big. So I did, and I still do. I'm not afraid of hard work and taking some risks, but as one of my college profs put it, at some point reality does hit, along with bills, alarm clocks, loneliness, and second guessing. I guess this is the where the you know what is hitting my fan. I don't know what will come of it, but I feel that this point of life is worth remembering, worth sorting through, and worth sharing, if not to benefit anyone else, for my own sake.

In my college town, a fine print spec on the map in the middle of Indiana, there has been an epidemic. Plaid Shirts. I must admit, even as I write this, i'm wearing one. All this excites me, while making me kind of upset. (You see, a few years ago, when plaid was NOT in, I used to spend time searching for flannel plaid shirts at Fleet Farm and Goodwill because I liked how they looked and no one else was wearing them. Unfortunately I could not find one near my size) Now they're everywhere! Plaid Flannel button down shirts. I was in a Salvation Army the other day and saw two young women shooting threatening glares over top a shirt rack at each other as they raced through the rows of button downs. All shirts were not created equal. I suppose it was only a matter of time before the rest of the world figured out what a gem they truly are. Now everyone wants them. Unique and broken in, with no other shirt quite like it. They're comfortable, not too hot, not too cold, not too loose, not too tight, and earthy, very Save the Earth, Go Green, you know? And yet, at the end of the day, they are still very much the same standard flannel, plaid shirt.

So what's the point? My point is this:We all want to be plaid. We all want to be different, to be unique, to be that unmatched plaid shirt. We all like to think that we are a bit set apart and our own person. BUT, at the same time, we all want to fit in and to be accepted. Picture a crowd of brown and green flannel shirts, all cool and "in", a sea of brown and greenness. But then, something catches your eye. Red. Red and Yellow flannel. Amazing, it's still plaid and it's still flannel, but it's different, it stands out, it's unique.

For New Year's Eve my parents told me this story about a game they played. It was all answering questions, for example, "What do you need most in life? Wealth, Family, True Love, Friends, or Health?" I've thought about this question for a while, and depending on the day, I've come up with different answers. But after pondering this for quite some time, I've come up with something not in the answer key: Hope. I need hope for the future, I need to believe that the best days have not already passed, and that there's a reason to go on living and loving and trying and caring. My life is not bad at all, I am a very blessed person, but even on my best days, I realize that it's the hope that tomorrow or the next day will better that keeps me moving. I once read a testimony from a person who survived the concentration camps from WWII. When asked how he survived when so many others did not, he replied that he kept something that they had all lost: the hope of being saved.

The hope of being saved. The hope that for some reason there's something more to look forward to, that you and I are, in someone's eyes worth saving and lifting up, something special and unique. The hope that we are desirable--even chosen.

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar treasure for his own pssession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkenss into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." -1 Peter 2:9-10

10 days and I loose all the labels, easy answers, and identities that for years I have leaned on. 10 days until I move away from my closest friends, my academic pursuits, my community, and the closest thing I have to call home. I don't know how people get through life without the hope that God has a plan and a future for them. I know this to be true, and I still become anxious and worry. 10 days till my safety nets are cut. But maybe it's only 10 days until I truly learn how to trust.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD." -Jeremiah 29:11-13