on leaving:

i'd like to start out by saying that although i love writing, i'm an awful blogger.

i live in Bend, OR now. I work for a church called Antioch, and for a branch of World Relief called World Relief NEXT. I love my job, and i love the people i get to work with. most days i wake up and am overwhelmed with how blessed i am to be here. i'm working in a community of people who believe that no matter what your gifts, interests and passions are, they're valuable and can be used. I'm learning a lot, and have so much more to learn in all aspects of life.

1. Taking risks is good. Three of my biggest unknowns in life have turned out to be the best risks I've taken. First, was going to a college where I knew no one. 3.5 years later i graduated with the closest friends I'll ever find. Second, I went to Uganda, not knowing anyone and not even knowing where I was going exactly. One summer later, my love and interest in travel, missions, photography, and Africa was confirmed as a reality and not just a list of facts I'd like to be true. Third: After graduating a semester early from college, I packed my life into my car and drove across the West to move to a city where I, once again, knew no one for an internship with no guarantees. There seems to be a theme in life...I'm constantly moving away from everyone and everything I know, and yet I keep finding that those changes, although the hardest, are the richest and most satisfying.

Someday, I think this will probably have to stop if I'll ever take a full time job, want a family, and grow old with friends. But for now, I think there's plenty of time to settle down and into a place. Stranger still, the things that make the major changes in my life are relationships-relationships that I keep moving away from in hope for something new. I wonder if this is bad?

I'm reading this book called The Alchemist, by Paul Coelho. It's a little trippy in some philosophies, but it talks about how we are all designed to follow our dreams. The problem is that after a while, we begin to believe the lies that we can't accomplish our goals. So we settle and settle in. We get into a comfortable routine in life and stay there, preferring to dream about reaching our dreams rather then taking active steps towards them.

2. On leaving: I think that part of the reason I move, and desire to move so much is not a dissatisfaction with where I am, but the hope for something more. This is rooted in a deeper, more spiritual reality: this world is not our home, and this life is only a dim reflection of the life we're meant to live.

I recently was talking with a good friend of mine, someone who has seen me through a lot, and knows me sometimes too well. I told shared with him my most recent thoughts on life...

Lately, I've been missing Uganda so much that sometimes I feel more there then here. I want to be with my friends there, I want to laugh with them, here how their lives are, be with them on a day to day basis. I miss the music, the slower pace, the colors, the way they speak their thoughts, I miss the food, the language, and the openness. Words cannot describe it, and I am frustrated by how I am falling short in communicating this.

The other night, I was thinking about all of these things and wondering what to do with this consistent desire to go back, so much so I couldn't sleep. I got thinking about how why I want to go back. I knew as I was leaving, that I couldn't go back unless it was God's will that I go back, not just my own desires. I want to offer them something, to be helpful. There are many ways to have an impact on the world: get involved in politics, fund raise, promote awareness, give financially--all these things can be done without knowing a single person's name or story. And for some, this is where they are gifted and called. But not me, I want to be with people, I want to look them in the eye, I want to know their names and their stories. Two options come to mind for this: the medical field, and counseling. I am interested in the medical field, it is a wonderful and needed skill to have. The aid that is given through clinics in various countries is invaluable. But I think I am more gifted in the relational area of life, I want to listen, to understand, to show that their stories matter and that their lives have purpose, every single one of them. Sometimes the best thing someone can offer is a listening ear. This is what I learned from my time in Uganda. Listening is a gift that is rarely talked about, but almost always appreciated.

I'm looking into going back to school to get a degree in cross cultural counseling. It would take years probably-I'd only take one or two classes at a time, and continue to work and get practical experience here. But, why not work towards a degree-more importantly-work towards gaining knowledge and tools to positively guide and help others? Maybe this is crazy, and maybe it is not the right thing to do, but why not consider the possibility? why not research, ask questions, put your self, and your heart, out there a little? what do i have to loose? failure. yes, I could fail. So I fail.

It's one thing to dream, anyone can dream if they free themselves. It's another to take a step.