I'm nervous. Unlike most people, I get really cold when I'm nervous, right now I'm shivering. When asked what I was nervous about, I said nothing in particular, just all the newness and unknown. I think that's reasonable.
Tonight, after mapping out my 30 hour drive and booking a flight for my sister to fly home on (she's driving out with me) I began to feel that scared, excited, about-to-jump-out-of-an-airplane feeling. I walked down the steps from my childhood room to eat dinner with my parents, dairy farmers who work harder then anyone I've ever met, but live lives that don't really change much. My mom had gone to lunch with my great aunt and a few other relatives. My great aunt, who is a bit, crazy?, was saying that she thought it was good that I had something lined up less then a month after graduation. I took hope in this, smiling and feeling a bit more confident and excited, despite the butterflies in my stomach. Then my step-dad reminded me, again, that I don't have a full time job lined up, that what I'll be doing anyone could do, and it really isn't much to talk of as far as successful jobs after school. We've been through this before, a hundred times. He sees the world in black and white, maybe some primary colors, dollar signs, and insurance benefits. I see it more in indigo, mahogany, and sienna, I see life as more then money, a white picket fence, and a retirement plan. These things are important and I know God calls us to be informed, responsible, and good stewards of what we've been given. But I think life is more about experience then bank accounts, it's about loving others and letting them love you back, it's about taking some risks to build up to what you love doing. It's about falling in love with God, and letting him lead us to places of uncertainty for the sole reason that we would learn to trust him fully and recklessly abandon the pursuits of this world for the pursuit of Him-a God who is more stable and more loving then anything we could plan or imagine.
I end up feeling disheartened and alone after those kinds of conversations. Maybe if I wasn't aware of the responsibilities that go along with life, I would need continual reminders, but that's not the case. The one good thing that comes from the rain storm of doubts, questions, and discouraging remarks, is that I remember why I'm taking this risk. I need to get out. I need to have space to make some mistakes, and learn as I go. I need a community-a body of believers-to be encouraged by, and to contribute to. I need to use my gifts for God's glory, and trust that it's nothing that I can do, but it's Christ working in me, and using me. I am simply a tool in the hands of God. I need to follow him to a place that I do not know, in order to trust him for my every need.
So, thank you, I guess, for reminding me of all these things. I wish that someday I could be reminded from you through an uplifting and encouraging word, rather then doubts and discouragement, but even these can be used for good.
I've always said that my friends are my family. I've been blessed beyond measure with friends better then I could have hoped for, or dreamed up on my own. It's true that a friend sticks closer than a brother.
I don't know what will happen, there's so much I don't know, and there are no guarantees. A lot of hard work, faith, and more hard work are ahead, but it's a step closer to freedom. And freedom feels like home.
No comments:
Post a Comment